everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
