1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
