There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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