3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
