I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We're too hungover to prance.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
