Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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