lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
