Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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