Only a mothe r could love this liver
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
