i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
