Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
