Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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