I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
