You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
