Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
