Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
