I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I look better un-naked...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
