I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
