Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
