Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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