its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
