We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
