A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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