every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
