I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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