I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
