She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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