They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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