question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
