I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
