we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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