just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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