He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
