I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
