Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
