Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
he puts the penis in happiness.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
