Fuck appropriateness.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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