you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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