my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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