we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
