in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
