My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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