If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
