I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
