Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
