What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
