My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
