she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
