Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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