he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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