She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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