Whod you bang
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
