I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize